Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud.
It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
Corinthians 13: 4-8
In the discussions surrounding family estrangement there is a paucity of “what’s LOVE got to do with it”. One would suppose that when people think and write and talk about families and family relationships the word, love, would come up often. In fact, not so much.
Family therapy is based on the tenet that every family member impacts and is impacted by the other. The family is and interconnected emotional system. So, instead of focusing just on the individual, the family unit was the client, per se. Appreciating this interconnectedness, offered a unique way to help families create harmony and thrive versus the alternative. So, when a family creates and sustains a harmonious environment everyone benefits, and in contrast, so goes the discordant family.
Families, and relationships of all sorts, require a stable home environment to have healthy sons, daughters, mothers, fathers….etc. Naturally, all families have problems, differences, stressors…let’s just call it trouble. Working through trouble takes time, energy, cooperation and perhaps money. Energy, time and money are limited and valuable resources, so we choose (that’s the cooperation piece) to participate in the resolution. We choose to listen, share,learn and grown from these experiences, or we don’t. I once heard, and never forgot the saying, “Tell me where you put your time and money, and I’ll tell you what’s important to you”. Loving parents devote the bulk of their time, energy and money to their children. Why? Because they love them.
“Only when we give joyfully, without hesitation or thought of gain, can we truly know what love means. – Leo Buscaglia
Leo Buscaglia wrote a book entitled, Love. The book evolved from his Love Class, a voluntary class he developed and taught at USC in the 1960’s. The suicide of his student served as the catalyst for him to offer the Love Class. No one noticed her distress hidden behind her bright, young face. In that class, together he and his students learned about love. Love is something we assume we know about inherently, but he proposes that love is something we learn about. He purports, “we grow in love”. Due to the overall neglect of love in college textbooks, he became a prolific author and speaker on the topic of love. He left many profound quotes, but never did he nor his students define love, instead he says, “Love is a dynamic interaction”.
What about love in our relationships and families, with our children, mothers and fathers and siblings? When did family members become so dispensable and disposable? When did it become okay to close the door and walk away without explanation? It has happened in the past, but not in such large numbers. The most current numbers indicate that nearly 37 million people have experienced family estrangement.
Disagreements within families happen,and always have. Differences must arise if children are to grow and individuate. Trouble of all sorts returns. That’s reality. How one manages to repair the difference makes the difference. Will loved ones act in a loving way is the question. “A loving relationship is a wanting to celebrate, communicate and know another’s heart and soul”. (Leo Buscaglia). Since when did no contact become a readily accepted alternative to loving one another and working things out?
The parents that seek out professional support due to their adult child’s decision to cut-off, do so with a goal of reconciliation. Reconciliation does happen more often than not. Parents invest their energy, time and money in their adult children as they did when they were younger. They do it “joyfully, without hesitation or thought of gain”. They do it out of love.
