Resources:
Beginning this journey is both an emotional and time investment. True mending of self and relationships takes more than just conversation — it requires education, reflection, and growth. In addition to the time we spend together, I encourage you to explore the carefully selected resources below to support and deepen your understanding along the way.
Frequently Asked Questions:
What is family estrangement?
Family estrangement is defined as the cessation of contact between two or more family members of any kind, gradually or abruptly, for some period of time. It can occur between parents and children, between brothers and sisters, or among relatives. Similar terms used to in place of family estrangement are cut off and no contact.
Emotional estrangement refers to the reduced frequency and quality of contact between family members.
How common is family estrangement?
Six common pathways to estrangement have been identified by the CFRP research.
The Long Arm of the Past—a history of harsh child rearing, emotional or physical abuse and neglect, favoritism, or sibling rivalry
The Legacy of Divorce—the continuing effects of divorce, often lead to hostility or diminished bonds and relationships.
The Problematic In-Law—Oftentimes the adult child’s partner or spouse can have a deleterious impact on a harmonious parent-adult child relationship. This can be sudden or occur over time.
Money and Inheritance—Money issues are typically complicated. Adding family relationships to this complex issue can result in an emotional minefield. Money issues issues can include financial neglect or exploitation, unrealistic or unmet expectations, and feuds over inheritance and wills.
Value and Lifestyle Differences—Parents and their adult child can develop significant differences in core values or lifestyle choices that can lead to serious rifts. Examples include LGBTQ, choice of partners/spouses, religious or spiritual differences or family traditions.
Unmet Expectations— Mostly these include what is considered or was considered “normal” ways to be in “the family” and the obligations of being a member of the family. This could include simple wishes as phone calls to visits, grandparenting, caregiving or holiday rituals.
What is the impact of family estrangement?
Family estrangement, for most parents, is a harrowing experience that brings grief, regret , remorse and chronic stress. There is also the impact of the rejection and stigma, real or perceived and loss of hopes and dreams. The lack of effective social support may result in social isolation, anxiety and depression. There is the added loss of lack of purpose and meaning in the later stages of life. The ripple effect of family estrangement can cause collateral damage upon extended family which weakens and can also eliminate a vital part of one’s social support network –the family context for making life work.
Everyone loses time and opportunity for creating memories with loved ones. Grandchildren lose the most precious and invaluable experience of a close relationship with their grandparents.
In addition, we lose opportunities to practice necessary relationship skills to live in rich and loving relationships and families. We also lose the chance to know each other as the complex human beings that we are.
Who should consider reconciliation?
Most parents and their adult child do reconcile, although the time between estrangement and reconciliation varies from months to years. Reconciliation may not be possible or appropriate for every relationship, especially in cases of abuse and neglect. Outside of that group, those who do make every effort to reconcile, receive the benefit of knowing they tried and gave their relationship every chance they could.
What are some tips for reconciliation?
For those who might be contemplating reconciliation we suggest a few of the following:
Decide to reconcile for yourself—Don’t leave your health and emotional well-being at the mercy of other people’s decisions. It’s important to know your reasons for reconciliation. This process also leads to personal growth and being at peace with yourself.
Abandon the need for an apology—There are different recommendations regarding an apology. A letter of amends can actually open the door to communication and allows the opportunity to begin taking on the adult child’s point of view. However, being inauthentic is not recommended and neither is blaming and shaming. Instead of blaming and focusing on the past,staying in the present and moving forward are far more effective in reconciliation.
Consider your role in the rift—Think of the situation from your adult child’s point of view as challenging as it may be, it is necessary.
Alter your expectations—Don’t set unrealistic goals for the future of your relationship. Look at what real and concrete changes can help your relationship move forward to a harmonious relationship. It may be very different from what you expected. That’s okay.
Focus on the future—Forget what has gone before and concentrate instead on building a new future. It will be necessary to establish what the future will look like for both parents and their adult children with regards to specifics about behaviors, rules and roles.
Compose an action plan— Engage the services of professionals trained and experienced in working with family relationships and estrangement. Successful reconciliation requires using strategy, developing skills and creating an action plan creating the opportunity to begin to develop and maintain contact with your estranged adult child.
